Simile Like You Mean It!

I have been sick for almost a week now, one of those pernicious viruses that starts with one part of your respiratory tract and doesn’t stop until it has inflamed the whole damn thing. I’m not feeling especially creative, except to convey the misery of this experience. For your amusement, or perhaps just mine, see if you can match the simile to its object!

  1. charles-m.-schulz-frieda
    It’s a clue! And it looks like it was practically drawn from life!

    My voice sounds like          .

  2. My hair looks like          .
  3. I cough like          .
  4. My eyes water uncontrollably like           .
  5. I’m going through tissues like           .
  6. My face is puffy like           .
  7. My throat burns like           .
  8. I’m so tired from coughing all night, I feel like           .
  9. I’m so behind with my grading, when I walk into my classroom, I feel like           .
  • A) a Real Housewife went crazy with fillers and had them injected right into her nose and eyebags.
  • B) Kim Carnes singing “Betty Davis Eyes” after smoking a million cigarettes.
  • C) it was drawn by Charles Schulz in a drunken rage.
  • D) a spring breaker who slept next to the toilet.
  • E) a teenage boy with a Victoria’s Secret catalog, if it were 25 years ago and the boy was straight, also.
  • F) former Speaker Boehner watching old Ronald Reagan speeches.
  • G) a frustrated Canadian goose after three hours of trying to get customer service telephone support from a Comcast robot.
  • H) gonorrhea made a baby with an arsonist.
  • I) the gal who brought Yellow Tail Shiraz to a fancy work party at her boss’s house, and he “set it aside” for “cooking with later” rather than make it available for actual, human consumption. (an actual thing that happened)

On the other hand, I am lucky because:

  • A) I have a job I can do from home while not wearing pants. (Though yesterday I had to teach, and wear pants, and it was awful. Not dying-in-a-mine-cave-in awful, just…really-bad-day awful.)
  • B) I have health insurance.
  • C) I have better things to care about than impressing my gross boss with fancy wine.
  • D) The Dog has been taking excellent care of me.
  • E) I know I will get well. It’s just a bad cold!
  • F) All of the above!

Answer Key: 1-B, 2-C, 3-G, 4-F, 5-E, 6-A, 7-H, 8-G, 9-I