Cross-promotional, Deal Mechanics, Revenue Streams, Jargon, Synergy

Them: We are taking your tool. You know, the one that you use to do your Big Required Project.

Us: Ummm, but how will we do our Big Required Project?

Them: Here is your new tool. We are still refining it. Just working out some kinks.

Us: Ok, but can we use our old tool, the one that worked just fine? You know, just until this new tool is ready.

Them: No, you may not use your old tool. In fact, we are going to take it away from you because you can’t be trusted not to use it. The new tool will work, when it’s ready. We are confident that we can build the airplane and fly it at the same time.

Us: HEY. The airplane has crashed. The new tool isn’t working.

Them: We’re fixing it. Keep working. Also, here is a different tool.

Us: This tool is worse. Using it is like eating glass and doing your taxes at the same time.

Them: We just figured out that you actually need to use both tools, the new one we are still building, and the replacement for it that is so inefficient it makes users want to smash things. Use them both. But NO SMASHING.

Us: What about the old tool, the one that worked just fine? Maybe we could use that instead?

Them: No.

Us: These tools are really bad. Like trying to boot up a Commodore 64 on a stage coach being attacked by Indians. And, once we’ve done the first part of the Big Required Project, these fucking tools destroy all the raw materials we need to finish the Big Required Project.

Them: Oh, yes, about that. We’re aware. You will need to use your old tool to fix that. Use the partially built tool and the broken tool, then your old tool, but you’re only allowed to use the old tool for the very last bit.

Us: But we could use the old tool to do the whole Big Required Project much faster and cheaper than the new tools. Can we please just do that?

Them: Why are you so resistant to change?

*scene*

This fuckwittery is the net result of the corporate influence on American higher education, in which MBAs promise Universities starved for public funds “market-based solutions” to “streamline cost centers” and, I dunno, synergize backward overflow. It’s total bullshit. Sometimes I can’t believe this is my job!

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